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I may seem like a mild-mannered middle-aged woman on the outside, but under this chubby, bifocal-bespectacled exterior is a wild child. In what way, you ask? Like this, bitches:

1. Fuck E.coli and airborne fecal matter. I use my iPad when I’m on the crapper.

2. Five second rule? More like five minute rule.

3. Raw cookie dough is divine, and I don’t give a shit about salmonella.

4. If a good foot-stomping tune comes on the radio while I’m driving, I may actually nudge the odometer to 10 mph over the speed limit.

5. I’ve cussed in front of other people’s kids. (I feel bad about it, but pretend I didn’t say that.)

6. Sometimes I like to use the word “ain’t.”

7. Sometimes I go more than a month without seeing my therapist.