1. Turning into a ravenous monster for one week a month. (“Have a happy period”? Bite me.)
2. Quadraboob
3. Uniboob
4. Having more than one orifice with the ability to fart
5. Having a closet filled with pants of multiple sizes–even if you haven’t gained or lost any weight
6. Black shoes. Black Shoes. BLACK SHOES. Oh, hell. Just SHOES.
7. The hunt for the perfect bra. (Don’t even talk to me about finding a nude-color one that won’t show through white shirts.)
8. The hunt for the perfect purse
9. The hunt for the perfect color of nail polish
10. “Scoot down a little bit more. More. Keep scooting.” (The last time I was there I asked the doc if anyone had ever scooted themselves right off the table. Alas, no.)
10a. “Relax your knees.” You’re putting THAT in THERE and you want me to RELAX?